Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Per today's Daily Collegian, a couple of do-good state legislators have reintroduced legislation that would require a tracking system for kegs. Basically the plan amounts to filling out some paperwork that would correspond to a number affixed to a keg, thus making it easier for the cops to track down people furnishing to minors. (As the distributor owner in the story points out, many distributors, particularly those in college towns like State College, already require an array of paperwork when buying a keg.)

Similar saviors have been introduced, debated and voted down numerous times in years past, and hopefully this time's no different. Why?

A few great points, from a 2001 Pittsburgh Post-Gazette story on a similar proposal:

"I would not put this on my list of the Top 10 things to do to stop underage drinking. I still think it's a good idea. It's just not on my short list of strategies," said Lincoln, Neb., Police Chief Tom Casady, who testified in favor of keg registration in Nebraska in 1993. Since then, Casady has come to believe its impact has been minimal at best.

"You can always get your beer in cans or bottles," he said.

Terry Wagner, the sheriff of Lancaster County, Neb., the rural area outside the city of Lincoln, said he had used the law occasionally to cite people who provide the kegs for underage drinkers. But as he and deputies have found out, college students don't let registration stop them from partying.

Wagner's deputies broke up a college party last summer at which beer was being stored in the back of a truck -- 180 cases of it. They could do little but shut down the event and confiscate the beer.

"We were never able to find out who bought it. Believe me, I got many calls from many of my friends offering suggestions about what to do with it," Wagner said. In the end, the beer was sold and the money donated to a food pantry.

Opponents in Pennsylvania argue that the law is impractical because it adds another layer to Pennsylvania's myriad liquor regulations and that it's an inconvenience to sellers and buyers.

Pay particular attention to that last paragraph. Key words: myriad liquor regulations, inconvenience. Exactly!

Uber-regulation and just-say-no-schooling does not work. I live in a college town with about 40,000 kids; I know this reality firsthand. When I was a freshman, we had a system for getting booze -- an age-old one used by freshmen down through history. Everybody had that older friend, brother, cousin, whatever, who would get the phone call early Thursday, Friday or Saturday night: "Hey, can you get us stuff?" The stuff would inevitably be some vile, cheap liquor -- the kind of stuff with one purpose only: get kids hammered. Making it more inconvenient for the legal populace to buy kegs won't do jack to curb that problem.

Says State Rep. Scott Conclin's chief of staff, "It is no secret here in State College that we have an alcohol problem. And anything we can do we can do to help curb alcohol issues in State College, we will do."

We do have a drinking problem, but it's a cultural one stemming from our demonization of one of humanity's oldest drinks. Underage drinking cannot be cured in a vacuum, by the wave of a magic wand ("just say no," neo-prohibitionism, sales restrictions, keg laws). We have to change the way we think about beer and normalize our relationship with it and other booze before addressing anything else.